shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
We could sell used underwear with pictures of us wearing them.
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
is it bad that I'm more worried about having to take out my piercings than the fact that I might be having a kid
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
just saw a kid waiting at the door of the stairs for the elevator. there is no elevator in this building. get on his level.
Randomize
