just walked out of chelsea's house and saw cameron slapping his dick against her car. cant even make this shit up if i tried.
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
i have received so many congratulations texts this morning. sleeping with him really was a good decision.
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
Uh oh I Hage to dance yes, my feet are Whitney Houston
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
It was an interesting experience to have sex while there was a triathlon going on right outside my bedroom window because it sounded like everyone is cheering for you in bed.
How supportive!
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