totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
Just slept with my boyfriend's roomie to learn if bf was cheating on me
Good plan. When in doubt, sleep about.
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
He met a random girl on the bus home and decided to go to Spain with her. The blackout decisions are becoming internationally epic. He has work in the morning.
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
Someone signed my nipple.
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
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