A disheveled girl in front of me just looked down, shrieked, and yelled to the girl next to her "what is this" while pointing at two large white stains near the crotch of her black jeans. I love that Thursdays are weekends, it makes awesome Friday mornings
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
Ill trade u your bra for a run to the liquor store...
when you wake up try not to move. we are betting to see if more sprinkles stuck to you or the pong table.
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
In a weird way, I don't want to stalk him on Facebook. I want to find out what's wrong with him the old-fashioned way. Is this what it means to be romantic?
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
Randomize
