The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
I can HEAR him staring at your boobs.
Go for it! You're young. Have fun. Be somebody's expensive hobby like Anastasia Steele.
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
I deserve to have sex with a hot freshman ok
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
Wtf. So apparently this 5 star establishment doesn't allow strip putt putt in the parking lot. We all just got kicked out of our rooms.
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
Randomize
