So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
I probably won't go. Last time I got drunk with those guys I just started demanding people let me touch their beards.Then I mocked everyone who didn't have facial hair.
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
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