just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
I don't really know I'm just giving her a key to get back in and the "don't get pregnant speech" and leaving it at that.
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
I'm just now starting to feel better... I remembered sleeping on the floor. I was peeing and saw his rug and it looked so comfy
Hold me and let me compliment your butt
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