4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
i got shots of sambuca dumped on my head last night. my bag still smells like licorice. making me nauseous.
it is a nice little reminder of the bruins dominance. if Vancouver had won, it would somehow smell of maple syrup.
Honest opinion...too aggressive to bring the funnel out to the bar? Also just so you know im at the bar. with the funnel.
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
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