Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
I asked what she wanted from Hawaii. She said a baby like Aaden from JK 8.
where am I supposed to find one of those?
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
hiding in a bush to avoid a seven dollar cab ride. cabby got out a flashlight and looked for us for like an hour. help.
You think posting ushers "let it burn" video on his fb page is in bad taste? haha
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
It's Been clinically proven that people who have sex 6 or more times per week are happier than those who don't. Just and FYI. For your mental health. From a soon so be psychologist. Who is drunk.
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
I didn't really understand how big 10 inches is. Now I know.
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
Randomize
