me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
$5 off purchases of eighths or more today only. Happy tax-free weekend. -Your consumer-minded pot dealer
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
college girl with braces trying to flirt with you...time to go
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