yeah I know. she is a stupid fat trailer trash bitchwhore and I hate her
but when she came up to me in the bar I had to be all like "OMG HEYYY how are you, I haven't seen you in foreverrrrr!!"
but for the record, yeah, I hope she gets mauled by a bear and dies
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
I created a photogrid for every picture he has ever sent me of his penis. Now I can see every angle at one time. THIS IS GREAT.
well he somehow got his hand stuck in some bike spokes trying to reach for a blunt he dropped and that's NOT the reason he's in the hospital...?
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
I love that you put so much thought and effort into your nudes
I don't send half assed nudes. Go big or go home.
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
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