So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
All my money is going towards making my vagina hairless
Worth it.
I'm going to be an 8 year old girl down there foreverrrr #fountainofyouth
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
I admit I fucked your best friend, but to be fair, you fucked the tristate area. So there's a good chance about 40% of those people are MY friends.
Randomize
