i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
I don't think so, think I've only met him once, the night I lost my teeth
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
Just seen a chubby version of you. Nearly kidnapped her. Perfect woman
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
there are not enough nopes in the world for that situation.
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
Randomize
