Im at strip club and am horny
Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
CONGRATS VODKA, YOU WON RHIS TIME..
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
I'm just gonna wear a long dress with no panties today. My pussy needs a break.
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
Idk I think he's weird but he's also from Wisconsin so that might have something to do with it.
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
We got high, had sex, and watched retro scooby doo shows. Best friends with benefits yet.
Randomize
