Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
Ice cream after masturbating>masturbating any other time
Her ass is the reason I still believe in a higher power
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
I covered the puke with a shingle there's not many chunks. I think it will blend quickly.
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
Randomize
