You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
I feel like you pissing on my ping pong table isn't something to be proud of.
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
Is banging someone in the national guard considered a state service or a national one?
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
Randomize
