I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
you know it's time to start studying when you've procrastinated to the point where you're reading your roommate's ex-boyfriend's wall posts from 2006.
There's no point in calling it Big Titties Tuesday if girls with big tits don't get anything special
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
Just saw a dude take a shot in the parking lot in his car. Too early in the semester for that
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
How is it possible for someone who gets so many dick picks sent to her, to be experiencing such a complete and utter lack of dick IRL.
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
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