but what if he tries to talk dirty to me with the lisp?
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
he told me he could still feel the blowjob i gave him last year
wow. THAT good huh
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
Chang gave me a 1.5 gallon beer tasting cup, i have a new boyfriend with a huge stick, Members of the Irish Rugby team slapped my ass and cheered for firmness, and a couple of strangers are naming the child after me. Best. Weekend.Ever.
idk about you, but when i sext i just hit em with the "yo lets bang" text
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
Randomize
