dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
Ana's brother is visiting for the wknd. He came back to our place last night drunk to find me passed out naked it in the shower with the water still running. I was still drunk. We decided it was a good idea to have sex and sleep on the bathroom floor. Woke up this morning spooning and using my towel as a pillow.
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
don't get me wrong, i love how you're fun and free spirited. but there are some situations...like shooting down a bottle of sambuca standing in the shallow end topless surrounded by my friends
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
I'm naked and wearing a cowbell.i love med school.
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
Do you remember vividly describing the shape and girth of my cock to that girl last night?
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
Randomize
