so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
I normally need adult supervision or a babysitter, but I refuse to let someone keep me from making irresponsible and wrong decisions at the bar on my last bday ill ever have in texas
You took photos of my underwear around London the day after! THAT was too soon.
At least is you came to Milwaukee to visit me you'd get the best mind blowing sex of your life and free wifi. Who doesn't want free wifi!
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
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