I never want to see another naked old woman again.
I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
Exactly. wat kind of friend would i be if i even pretended to give a shit about ur problems
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
And our DD is passed out in the bathtub with the curtain closed. What happened tonight
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
Randomize
