Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
She definitely looked like a troll, but I had take one for the team. Or at least thats what I keep telling myself
Next guy we share better have a little more dignity than that
I wanna thank you for having such slutty friends growing up. Your a great little sister
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
Honestly and this might sound scary... But I want to get high and play with weapons
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
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