I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
I was thinking about texting her and telling her I had syphilis when I was with her and that she should get tested. just for shits and giggles. skank dahaha
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
He ate me out while I stood on his bed drinking a Rainier.
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