On a side note I can sing drakes “best I ever had” so good you’d think I was on degrassi.
You have to stop making references to your extense knowledge of 13 year old girl television programming for me to believe you aren’t homo. The Bravo line-up was one thing, but seriously
I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
he has pokemon bedsheets but his dick is huge so i took one for the team
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
He ate me out while I was wearing a canada goose parka and a dress hand crafted by a seamstress from yellowknife. I came while watching the northern lights. Most arctic orgasm ever.
Randomize
