I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
I can't make Walk of Shame Wednesdays a recurring theme.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
So my POF profile is full of Archer references. Only guys who get them will be getting any response to their messages.
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
Randomize
