I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
i was the DD for the swedish students tonight. Got paid 23 dollars for driving 10 miles. gotta love ignorance and the confusion conversion brings.
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
i need to put some appletini on your dick
she broke a 50 dollar bottle of alcohol. then passed out in front of her car and got sprayed by a skunk
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
Randomize
