That bitch is like a bad destiny's child song.
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
Well as our DD it was my responsibility to get us home safely. If that meant strapping you down to the backseat using all 3 seatbelts then so be it.
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
If you wondered to yourself today, "did Sarah break her bathing suit strap and flash a pool full of children," the answer is yes.
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
Randomize
