The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
when i was alone, his dick was there for me...
the elusive kegmastree, who's mystery is only exceeded by it's power
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
I promise I won't bug you anymore, I just need the following things at your convenience but preferably soon: my earrings, cup, and panties. Thanks. Good talk.
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
Randomize
