Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
it wasn't a total waste of time; I mean how often do you get to play scotch pong?
.....fair enough
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
The power of my boobs compel you
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
He weighed maybe 130, his dick had to be 30 of it. SO BIIIIG.
Randomize
