where are you?
in the room with the baby pig
k im coming soon
So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
It's an acquired taste. Like keystone. Or caviar.
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
MIDGETS
????
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
At the light, his mom pulled up next to us while I was giving him road head. He forgot to tell me she was meeting us at the movie. So long story short, I convinced her I drove myself, pick me up in 20.
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
