I am not a stalker...i just bring a whole new meaning to the word love
i'm not going because i feel like it's just gunna be a "this is your life" who i banged this years addition
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
I've entered the world of uncircumcised penises. It's disgusting.
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Randomize
