I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
ive never been actively dumping during the pledge of allegiance before today...
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
he tied his pants around my leg to stop the bleeding... i think he just wanted a good excuse to take his pants off
well did it work?
it was a success in both ways.
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
Randomize
