im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
Realistically anyone can come I don't care it's Boston what do I own boston? No. I just don't want people who are gonna give me "why are you doing that" kinda look when I take birthday shots out of my birthday babe shot glass necklace.
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
The last thing I remember was naked hot tub and taking a shot and using the hot tub water as a chaser. Not acceptable.
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
I've come to the conclusion, I should prob have at least 20 hr supervision. I would say 24, but I'm guaranteed to pass out for at least 4 hrs a day
This should be illegal
It is
I mean more illegal... I shouldn't have this
Randomize
