Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
who is the naked dude on the coffee table
thats jeff, jeff is nice so don't be rude
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
i asked her if she was sure that she was ready to do it and she replied with "come at me bro"
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
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