Nice 2 c u showing ur bro some affection
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
Don't EVER smell your tampon
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
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