My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
we both passed out while playing beer pong, woke up in the morning and continued to play coffee pong to cure our hangovers
Passed out for 3 hrs til now to wake up naked on my bed covered with grass from drunk slip and slide I would call that success
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
I think she faked a seizure to get out of it ...
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
You were definitely drunk. You gave him an otphj in front of everyone.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
I might go to an NA meeting just to fuck that boy in the bathroom.
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
Lol yeah. Because I just woke him up to blow him for being hot.
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
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