We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
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