you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
he was dropping me off and i told him i had to go to the bathroom and i leaned into kiss him and he asked how i went to the bathroom with a tampon up there... he was amazed that their was a third hole...and wanted me to show him where it was
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
I think she faked a seizure to get out of it ...
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
I just had a drunk lesbian experience.... How do I break it to my boyfriend??
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
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