Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
wrigley field is MILF paradise
I could tell by the way he was holding my hand that he really liked you
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
I can't wait to see her breast feed this thing
I'll still trying to understand the context of your "punch her with my cock" comment.
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Randomize
