Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
pedialite and red bull = repair kit
currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
just got off the metro to throw up and got back on like it ain't no thang
really making moves this morning i see
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
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