Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
She went from zero to smokin in five shots
And when I say "complete whore" I mean I could possibly make a shameful profit by wearing this.
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
I want her autograph on my taint
being pregnant is like rehab
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
Ethically, this is the worst thing I've ever done. Financially, however...
skyped with him for 45 min in the bath while i shaved my legs. new level in the relashionship
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
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