umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do
put a dollar in it?
In retrospect, it was a terrible idea, going down on her with these ulcers in my mouth.
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
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