if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
yeah, we don't understand. the wings losing for guys is like girls finding objects in their body..just weird and sad
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
Pornhub is actually a very wholesome website
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
