I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
watching espn. realized that the exact place those sportcenter guys are is where I got laid on the beach last superbowl. my sex spot is broadcasted nationwide
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
no dude free pina colada`s taste like what I would expect my penis to taste like except gay-er.
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
Is she okay?
She may want to issue revenge punches, but medically fine.
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
the night was just a blur of sex and pie
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
Randomize
