You surviving the open bar?
Super asto ex polenta omaha botad
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
Wtf are freshmen gonna think when the first thing they see in a pale 6'4 white kid with a mustache yelling ya man and we be liming in a Trinidadian accent
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
Randomize
