Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
i had a threesome. one of the guys used to bully me in high school too for being gay.
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
Don't worry I sent a creepy stalker message to a guy I slept with 6 years ago, Sunday Funday rock bottom
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
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