eric is really sick so I'm taking care of him! :(
just blow him with soup in your mouth.
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
Your dad needs a mid life crisis affair thing, I could totally be that girl.
her dad gauges his nipple piercings.
You said that we all need to "head out like a boner through sweatpants and get fucked." Jager night was a success.
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
The guy next to me on the bus has one hole in his jeans that has over 20 mini dicks drawn on his leg. Classic.
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
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