Id pretty much put it in anything at this point. Jello. Dogs. 12 year old boys
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
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