Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
We haven't had hot water in our dorm all weekend. Do you know if there is any other way to wash off shame?
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
Randomize
