I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
you were calling yourself Ulickes S. Cunt.
Just blew a perc off the traytable on my flight, spring break has begun!!
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
I'm more of a 'talk at me while I stare at you' kinda girl.
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
NO. NONE OF THAT. SHAME ON YOU.
Thrres cinnamon everywgte. Plead cine get me
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
Randomize
