he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
This bitch goes out driving during the nor'easter to get her ass eaten.. that’s dedication
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